Different Feeling Kind of Day

Blah. I mentioned in my post about the ups and downs of the first month wait that some days are better than others. Some days are easier than others. Yesterday I was online looking up Halloween costumes for Little. He wants to be a dinosaur/dragon, so I’m trying to find something that looks like a not-creepy creature. I found a crocodile costume that might work for what he has in mind. I digress.

In looking for his dragon/dinosaur costume, I also happened to land on a goldmine of adorably precious baby girl costumes. Tiny pumpkins, rag dolls {which we are so doing}, kittens with pink bows, and mini Snow Whites. You get the idea. Cute cute squishy super cute. Almost ad nauseum. I couldn’t help it though, I didn’t intentionally search through hundreds of cherubic pink baby girls dressed up as sickeningly cute barnyard animals and storybook characters. They were mixed in with the toddler boys and their dragons/dinosaurs.

Regardless though, I spent the rest of the evening with the “I wants.” I want a playmate for Little. I want him to experience the joys of having a sibling. I want to be done with this awful adoption process. I want it to be a story in our past that we talk about with a smile, as if to say, “In retrospect, it really wasn’t that bad.” I want to use the gobs of ruffly baby clothes filling up the dresser and closet. I want to smell that baby smell again. And frankly, I want a baby girl to dress up as a creepily small Glenda the Good Witch!

There are certain days where I wake up and something feels different. I feel some kind of excitement and can’t wait to get out of bed to check my phone and email, certain that there will be a new message from our agency. Of course, there never is a message, and I always walk away slightly disappointed.

When I mentioned this feeling {that never amounts to substance} to a fellow adoptive friend, she encouraged me by saying that often these “feelings” we have turn out to be something. It’s an exciting thought, actually. She suggested I keep a journal about these days that feel like something is stirring, because I may come to find out that perhaps something did happen on those days. Perhaps our baby was conceived on such a day. Or perhaps her birthmother made the decision to choose adoption on that day. Perhaps she called our agency this morning to set up an appointment. Perhaps she looked through our profile today. Who knows. We wouldn’t be informed if she was looking at us. It’s really encouraging to think that on days like today where I wake up feeling a sense of excitement, that perhaps something really is going on behind the scenes. I believe God can give us those hunches. Tiny pieces of encouragement to keep us focused and going forward. Maybe that’s what it is.

After all is said and done, we’ll find out. I look forward to the day we can reflect back on this time and know that God was indeed moving in unseen ways. I’ve always felt that we’ll be matched within a certain time frame. I won’t say it on here because I don’t want to make a fool out of myself or feel extremely discouraged if I’m not right. That time frame isn’t now… and I struggle with feeling anxious for that time frame to get here. Almost like an expectant mother who gets excited for her due date… But there is no definite due date in sight for me.

There’s no denying that most of the adoption process rests on faith, and if you lack faith, your faith will certainly be tested and strengthened. Frankly, I don’t see how people make it through the entire adoption process without reflecting on the supernatural awesomeness of it all and give glory to God for the behind-the-scenes backbreaking work. I’m so glad God is in control of this process and I’m not! I would make so many wrong decisions based on my {flighty} emotions. Thankfully God is never changing and he already knows our baby’s face.

I guess I should just view days like today -these “different feeling” kind of days- as a blessing. A reminder that he’s in control and I’m not, and he’s doing his work miles away {or just down the road?} to bring our next beautiful child to our family. I know I’ll look back on these days and smile, because *something* happened today. I can just feel it in my heart.

Kat