He Wasn’t Ours

I heard from our agency director yesterday afternoon. She sent me a very short, straightforward email. I appreciate that. She said that the girl chose a different family, and that she made her choice very quickly after sitting down with the adoption specialist and the stack of profiles. Our director said she thinks this is a case of a very young girl making a quick decision, like ripping off a band-aide.

I wish her the best, but I would be a little nervous if we were the chosen family. I would much rather know that our potential birthmother chose us after pouring over our letter and our profile and feeling some kind of emotional or spiritual connection to our family, rather than picking us as the first on the pile. I just hope whatever happens is best for the baby.

Since we’ve been through our first official possible match, I can share with you the mix of emotions that you might feel. Let me tell you, I was very surprised by the emotions I felt when I heard from her! It actually caught me off guard, and the emotions kind of fluctuated throughout the day. Here’s a general break-down of this trail mix of emotion that floated in and out of my mind yesterday:

Relief

At first, I felt relief. I was relieved to at least know. I could stop with my imagination running wild, and stop wondering what if, and stop thinking about taking Buggy’s baby clothes out of the attic for a big laundry day. I have a tendency to obsess and chew on my thoughts. I was dreaming of babies, talking about babies non-stop, imagining babies, and checking my phone every five minutes. When I saw the words on the computer screen, I let out a sigh of genuine relief.

October is a very busy time for Texas band directors. Travis has marching contests to worry about that reflect on his entire career. The state interscholastic marching contest happens at the end of October, and basically the entire semester builds up to this contest. It’s what marching band directors work for. It’s what my husband obsesses over from about April until the moment they receive their scores from judges. There was a slight chance with this girl being due on the 2nd of November, that baby may have landed at a really stressful time for his career. Of course his family always comes first, but that still would have added some extra worries on top of an already crazy time of year. I was a tiny bit relieved to see she didn’t choose us because I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about the what-ifs of contest.

Disappointment

This one honestly surprised me! I didn’t think I would feel disappointed, because deep in my heart I knew that this baby wasn’t ours. God had already given me that quiet peace of knowing that he wasn’t ours. So why feel disappointed? Because ideally, there would have been a new baby in our home in six short weeks. That’s worth getting excited over. And I did. I was emotionally attached to the idea of a new baby finally coming to our family, and when that idea slipped away, I was disappointed. It wasn’t terrible, but it would come and go throughout the day.
Discouragement

I felt discouraged only because for the first time in this journey, I really felt that feeling of Where is our baby!? We haven’t even been a waiting family for very long, but I suddenly felt extremely discouraged. I felt like we had taken some kind of step forward, a step closer to our baby when we got that call on Friday, and learning that he wasn’t the one didn’t change anything but it felt like we took another step back again.

Throughout the day, I found myself feeling discouraged and frustrated and kind of angry that we didn’t have a match yet. We’ve only been a waiting family for 2 months, but we’ve been pursuing adoption and adding another family member to our family since January of 2010. I feel like we’ve been trying to conceive for 19 months. I reached a point yesterday afternoon where I was just discouraged with the waiting.

Anxious, Excited

I also felt {and still feel} very anxious and excited. I’m anxious for our second baby to come to us, anxious for our birthmother to walk into our agency, anxious for us to get THE call. I’m very excited, because I feel like God is moving in this process. I feel like there is a purpose behind everything that’s happening. I’m very excited to see the way everything works out from a spiritual standpoint. I can’t wait to be on the other side of this experience looking back at all of the ironic and coincidental happenings along the way that actually add up to a really incredible story.

I’m extremely excited because we got a tiny taste of a possible match. Now I feel like I know what to expect, and I feel very certain that our match will come soon. I just wish I knew something for certain. Gender, timing, something. I feel like I have nothing solid to hold onto, and that makes this wait very hard. But on the other hand, this is a test of our faith. Holding on even when you have nothing solid to hold onto. Isn’t that what true faith is? I guess in that case we’re living it.

I still feel in my heart like God is telling us our next baby is a girl- and it’s not a matter of personal preference. It’s really a matter of discernment. That’s what I feel in my heart. But I could be wrong. God is full of surprises, and if our baby is a boy, then I’ll be delighted as well.

I’m going to trust that feeling of discernment that I have from now on. Neither of us felt sure that this situation was ours from the get-go, and I even told my mom on Friday night that I really didn’t believe this baby was ours. I trust that when our baby comes along, we’ll just know. I don’t know how we’ll know, but there will be a feeling of certainty, excitement, anticipation, and peace. God has to hit me upside the head sometimes, and that’s what I pray for in this situation. I find myself sometimes just staring at the phone during the day, and I don’t want to live in that state, but it’s certainly hard now. I feel like we’re closer to our baby for some reason. {I realize I said earlier that I feel like we took a step back- I told you, it’s complicated 🙂 } I feel like we had to get past one possible situation, but the next one {hopefully} will be ours. I pray it comes soon.

We’ll see. Thanks to everyone for their support, I’ll continue to keep everyone informed of any new news, big or small!

Kat