I’m sorry it’s been so long! Can I share with you the boring details of why I haven’t blogged? …Nah, I’ll spare you. But on a positive note, I’m graduating in December with my bachelor’s degree in English!!!! All just a couple of years away from the big 3-0! WIN!
But Buggy and I have been having fun in between my classwork. For one thing, we played this fun game:
Excuse the underpants. He’s a 3 year old boy. We simply arranged toilet paper tubes {and the one lonely paper towel tube we had left over from the last time we had any in the house} on our sliding glass door and created a maze for marbles to travel through. He LOVED it. We arranged and rearranged the tunnel over and over again.
Today we had a blast with water balloons. We’re enjoying a two day window of unseasonably warm weather here in West Texas, so I took full advantage of it. Please note that yesterday was a record in this area for an early freeze. Today the high was 89. Have I mentioned our weather is certifiably insane?
Obviously he hated the water balloons. I had so much fun. Fall is here and the weather is getting chilly, so water balloons are not something we’ll be able to enjoy for long. Why not partake of the warmer weather while it’s here? Before we know it, it’ll be chilly everyday and we’ll be able to enjoy bundling up and taking nature walks to collect crunchy leaves and acorns!
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I know some of you are wanting an update on our fostering situation. I have been waiting {not at all patiently} to hear from our caseworker about our homestudy license, and I finally got word on Friday that he finished typing up our file and submitted it to CPS for final review. It should only be in their hands for a few days and then we’ll be licensed and open for the baby business. Oh please, Lord Jesus, bring us babies soon and do not make us wait. I don’t know that my broken heart can take much more waiting after the losses and disappointments we endured this summer.
Ironically, Buggy’s been asking about baby sister lately. I spent all of last Tuesday in tears in fact because he asked after I finished arranging a fall centerpiece, “Is that for baby sister? When is she coming?” I didn’t know what to say and did the not-so-great-parenting thing of saying, “Baby, why are you asking about baby sister? She isn’t here.” And then I left the room. I know, I know. Parent of the year trophy on my mantle for that one, right? But I’m still grieving.
We
experienced a loss in our failed match, and that’s something substantial. We didn’t hold that baby, but she existed in our hearts. Her name was Natalie Faith. Isn’t that beautiful? She had a name, and we had ultrasound pictures. She has a beautiful coming home outfit in the attic. It’s yellow with ruffles and eyelets. I love eyelets. I bought all the letters for her room and planned on Mod-Podging the heck out of those and making them look adorable. They sit in a drawer in the basement, brown and unfinished. Somewhere she’s with some family. I had dreams for her and for us with her.
She was going to be a lion for Halloween because I still have Buggy’s first costume tucked away. I made her diapers. They’re pink with flowers. I wanted to paint her nails and put bows in her hair. I bought her a beautiful doll from an artist on Etsy. I told the artist who this special doll was for, and she included a special letter to Natalie in the package when she shipped the doll. I based the doll’s hair color on the one image I had seen of her birthmother. I wanted her to have that special connection. When the doll arrived, Buggy hugged it and asked if it was baby Natalie. That was the day our match failed.
My heart is still hurting. Most days, I honestly do not know how to grieve our loss. I don’t think there is anyway she can not be a part of me forever. Some days I feel a desperate urgency to get this foster parent thing underway as quickly as possible so I can avoid this incredible amount of pain I feel. I had no idea a failed match could or would hurt this much for this long. And really, I find as time goes on, it hurts more than it did in the beginning. The ache grows and grows. Each month that passes, I can’t help but think, “She is one month old today,” or “She is two months old today.” For those keeping count, she is three months old this week. It doesn’t escape my mind. I’m not consumed in it. Life goes on, and she wasn’t ours. That’s the easy response anyway. Please tell the aching longing in my heart that.
In many ways, not only do I want this foster to adopt license to finish up as quickly as possible to bring us a baby to care for and love on, I need this license done. I need a baby in my home, even if it isn’t our forever baby, to care for and love on. A baby to wear those pink diapers. To hug that baby doll who is now carefully wrapped and placed in the attic. To wear the yellow eyelet dress that will never be worn on any baby coming home from any hospital. My heart needs to move on and fill the void of loss. Not to fill the Natalie void; that’s hers. Just to fill the one that throbs the most. The space that feels absolutely robbed. That space needs to be filled as soon as possible. That space is tired of this process and the unfairness of the American adoption process. That space is jaded and bitter and resentful. That space isn’t me. I want that gone. Only love can make it go away. And I need that to come into my life as soon as possible.
I guess I needed this update more than anything else. All the tears and the venting and telling anyone who will listen over the past few weeks just how not okay I am… It hasn’t felt as cathartic as this has. So thank you for listening. Saying “I’m struggling” doesn’t do the ache in my heart justice. I’m longing, I’m grieving, I’m suffering, and I’m tired. I’m tired of all of this, and I need it fixed. So God, if you wanna take this as a very public prayer, please do so. Please fix it.
Kat
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Love Makes A Family {by mommyponders} 
We don’t even know each other, but my heart hurts for you. I will be praying for you and the adoption process you’re going through. I found your blog when I searched “stay at home mom schedule” and I loved your honesty and obvious love for the Lord in your posts. I immediately signed up to follow your blog. I was searching for a schedule because I have a newborn (well, almost 4 month old now) and I just can’t seem to get it all together. With as much “time” as I have now without my full time teaching job anymore, I seem to have NO time and can’t get anything done. But, part of me is very okay with that knowing that I can just take this time to enjoy my sweet little boy. I took your advice and talked with my husband about his expectations. I also really liked your advice of just tackling one or two big things a day. Thank you for being so transparent. It is so refreshing and encouraging.
In His Grip,
Jaclyn
Jaclyn,
I’m so glad you found my blog to be helpful and encouraging. I hope it continues to encourage you. You’ll never regret taking this time with your sweet little boy to be home, even if things are frazzled and you feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. You’re blessing him daily just by being there (and many days, I forget this little piece of encouragement myself). I have a TON of days where I feel like a slob, where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, or where I text one of my SAHM friends to let her know I’m still wearing mismatched Christmas pj’s at 3:15 in the afternoon (cough cough I did this today). Thank you also for your encouragement and affirmation about what I’m sharing with people. The first thing I asked my husband after he read this very emotional post was, “Was I too honest?” Part of me thinks you never can be, but then again, you never know. So thank you for appreciating the sincerity I put out there. My goal is to minister to others and touch their hearts. I’m glad I touched yours. God bless,
Kat
It won’t be long until you are wishing for time to make marble tunnels to play with. You will be so busy with little boys and babies you will not believe you ever had any spare time.
Love,
Nanny
Hi Kat,
I’m watching your journey from the UK as we consider whether to try and extend our family from 2 to more through adoption. You’ve been on my heart and I wanted to reply. As we read and pray, I am struck by how much pain is involved in adopting – so much more than in biological parenting. Pain for the child separated from their biological mother; pain for the birth mother whatever her circumstances; pain for the adoptive parents if the child takes out their pain on them.
Yet we believe in a God who can transform even the worst of circumstances. Maybe he is using this pain you’re experiencing now to help you deal better with the future pain of the baby who will join your family. Whatever his plan we know that he works all things for good.
Mary, Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement. Adoption certainly is a different beast all its own! But it also brings about some of the most amazing stories of faith and perseverance I’ve ever heard. Loving a child as your own who was not born to you is a beautiful example of the love Christ extends to us daily, and that encourages me. I don’t think that having biological children and adopting kids can be compared. I fully agree that adoption brings pitfalls and heartache that most bio-built families don’t experience. My pregnancy with Little was so fraught with worry and fear over his health and my own, I’m still not sure this is worse than that. I honestly would rather experience the adoption-related pain than the dread and worry I felt when I was pregnant that the baby I was carrying might not be okay. If that makes sense.
I believe that if the Lord calls us, then he’ll gives us whatever grace we need to make it through that thing. I keep telling myself that if He has placed this desire in my heart, it’s because He’s going to fulfill that desire in a big amazing way. One of our closest friends was fretting many years ago about feeling lonely and wanting a wife, someone to love and spend his life with. I told him if God put the desire in his heart for a wife, God was going to fulfill it and it would be amazing when he did. Sure enough, she came along a few years ago and is everything we’d hoped she would be for this special friend. She’s now one of my dearest friends and their family is so precious to us. I’ve been clinging to my own words of encouragement from years ago, and praying that soon I will get to see the fulfillment of this longing in my own life.
I appreciate your prayers and encouragement more than I can express. Thank you so so much for responding, for reading, following our journey, and most importantly, for lifting us up in prayer during times when we’re struggling. I’m hoping very soon we can all see the results of those prayers.
Kat