Two Month Check In

I’m currently retaking New Testament History. I took it seven years ago {yeesh}, and my personal life was in chaos so my grade was not so bueno. {I also did not to do well in Spanish.} I needed another hour this semester to qualify for financial aid, so NT it was.

We’re reading through 1 and 2 Corinthians this week, and I landed on a passage yesterday in my homework that I so so so needed right now. Usually when I’m studying these scriptures, my heart stays out of it. It’s weird how someone can do that. Ministerial students sometimes skip their personal devotional and prayer times because we spend so much of our time studying the Bible from an academic perspective. “I’m covered,” I think, after three hours of studying the canonization of the Pauline epistles. But spiritually, I’m not.

I related to this passage because I’ve been feeling discouraged lately.

…We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. – 2 Corinthians 4:7-9.

I think the reason I feel discouraged lately is because I’ve been at war with myself. I carry this guilt with me that says I have no right to feel anxious or discouraged, and that makes me feel even more discouraged. Rationally, I realize that people add children to their family because something in their heart tells them that their family is not complete. It takes nothing away from the older child or children. But irrationally, there’s a voice in me that says, “You shouldn’t feel anxious for another baby when you have a perfectly healthy, happy one right in front of you.”

When I see more and more babies popping up among friends and Travis’s affiliates, I feel frustrated. I’m not being coy to say there’s nothing we can do to speed up this process… unlike couples trying to conceive. It leaves me with a feeling of anxiousness, because my fate is in the hands of others. I have to remind myself that the ladies at our agency may be in charge of this process, but God is in charge of them, and while I may worry about their humanness, I never doubt him.

I can relate to the verse above because I feel pressed and perplexed. I’m not in despair, and I’m not crushed, but I do feel frustrated. I feel anxious. I feel at war with myself, because I feel like I shouldn’t feel frustrated or anxious. “You’ve only been waiting for 2 months…” the sneaky mean me says. But really, Travis and I started saving our money, pulling paperwork, and calling agencies to begin our homestudy 21 months ago. Twenty-one months of trying to get a baby, step by awful step. I can’t ignore the fact that if we were able to healthfully have babies biologically, we probably would have started trying to conceive at that point. And then my mind jumps to the fact that we would probably already have a baby by now. I’d already be done with the inevitable HG torture, and we’d have a new precious little one in our family.

I still feel like it’s worth it… Because I’m convinced that HG is not worth it for me. Not when I have the burden of babies on my heart who need a loving and stable home. Not when it’s been brought to my attention that some babies are undesirable because of their skin tone or ethnicity. I can’t ignore that, and it really does make my heart ache. So we continue on with this process, despite the fact that it’s certainly driving me NUTS.

I figure that God’s calendar is marked with the day a baby will become ours. We’re creeping closer to that surprise date, even though we don’t know when it is, I have faith in my heart that this day exists. Our baby day could be sitting on a breezy day in November, or a cold evening in January. I still feel like it’ll be soon. I made a friend on our adoption forum who has been waiting with me for her second baby. Her family also started their homestudy in April. She also has a beautiful little boy who is not too much younger than Little Bug. She has also been praying and hoping for a little girl. And last week she got HER call. An expectant woman picked her family’s book, and the social worker called excitedly to give her the news. I’m thrilled for her, but there was a moment of feeling bummed {selfishly} because my waiting buddy is now “pregnant” and I’m still trying. I know our day will happen soon.

Two months really isn’t long, but when you’re in the thick of it and it seems absolutely every person you know -both family, friends, and co-workers- are expecting, it’s hard. It’s kind of emotionally draining, because just as soon as I feel jealous or sad for myself, there’s that nasty voice in my head that says, “But you already have a baby…you don’t have any right to be jealous.” But I think the jealousy is okay. It’s natural. Yes, some of them are having their first and I’m anxiously awaiting our second, but wanting another baby doesn’t diminish my love or gratefulness for Little. It simply means there’s an ache in our hearts that tells us our family isn’t done yet. We aren’t whole. There’s someone missing, and we’re trying to find her. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

I’m happy for those around us, but lately I have a very hard time taking in the baby announcements, showers, ultrasound pictures, and adorable nursery decor. It seems like every time I log onto Facebook, another friend from college or high school is expecting. And my mailbox spills excited announcements and invitations. It’s just this season of life we’re in. It’s hard knowing at only 25 that children in my future are limited and will not come to us easily. It’s also hard not to think about that when sharing in the joy of family and friends who are enjoying perfect, healthy pregnancies. Sometimes its easier for me to just not talk about it. I mourn the pregnancy I never had, and constantly compare myself to them. And I mourn the baby girl my heart wants so badly who is out there somewhere…It just feels so difficult. I hate being so overly sensitive like this.

I guess this month has been full of baby sensitivity, anxiousness, frustration, and “you shouldn’t feel those things” guilt. Kind of complicated. Maybe something will happen around the holidays! That would be a wonderful Christmas surprise! We’ll see… I keep thinking something might happen then, but who knows…

Kat