Tag Archives: waiting family

It’s Official…

We received a call from our agency director on Tuesday evening after a very long and stressful day for me. I knew that our profile was going out to several mothers {I believe there were five} and I was a wreck waiting to hear back about them. I was praying that just ONE of them would pick us. Continue reading

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We Finally Got An Answer

I feel so guilty about not writing in a while. It’s been a crazy few weeks. I wish I could say that we got the call that she has picked us and we’re planning on bringing home two baby girls in a few months. But unfortunately I don’t have any such news to report. Continue reading

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We’re Still Hanging In Here…

I wish I had something new and exciting to report, but unfortunately we still don’t know anything. Travis contacted our social worker yesterday to ask her if she thought we might have an answer by this weekend, but she said the young lady is still carefully reviewing all of the profiles and probably won’t make a decision until Monday or Tuesday. Not what we wanted to hear, of course, but at least we can relax for the weekend. Continue reading

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Seven Month Adoption Check In

** I want to start off by apologizing for the nearly half dozen email notifications about this post before it was finished. There was a server glitch and instead of automatically saving the draft for me while I was still writing, WordPress was publishing the drafts. Yikes! I deleted the unfinished published posts and I’m starting over. Sorry!**

In a week or so, we will have been a waiting family for seven months. SEVEN. That seems so long. I honestly thought we would be matched by now. Continue reading

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Waiting sucks…

Waiting sucks. Waiting for anything is hard, but waiting for a baby? It’s particularly rough. Anyone who has waited for a pink line on a pregnancy test or waited for that call in an adoption understands how nerve-wracking it can be. Continue reading

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January 31, 2012 · 5:55 pm

Two Month Check In

I’m currently retaking New Testament History. I took it seven years ago {yeesh}, and my personal life was in chaos so my grade was not so bueno. {I also did not to do well in Spanish.} I needed another hour this semester to qualify for financial aid, so NT it was.

We’re reading through 1 and 2 Corinthians this week, and I landed on a passage yesterday in my homework that I so so so needed right now. Usually when I’m studying these scriptures, my heart stays out of it. It’s weird how someone can do that. Ministerial students sometimes skip their personal devotional and prayer times because we spend so much of our time studying the Bible from an academic perspective. “I’m covered,” I think, after three hours of studying the canonization of the Pauline epistles. But spiritually, I’m not.

I related to this passage because I’ve been feeling discouraged lately.

…We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. – 2 Corinthians 4:7-9.

I think the reason I feel discouraged lately is because I’ve been at war with myself. I carry this guilt with me that says I have no right to feel anxious or discouraged, and that makes me feel even more discouraged. Rationally, I realize that people add children to their family because something in their heart tells them that their family is not complete. It takes nothing away from the older child or children. But irrationally, there’s a voice in me that says, “You shouldn’t feel anxious for another baby when you have a perfectly healthy, happy one right in front of you.”

When I see more and more babies popping up among friends and Travis’s affiliates, I feel frustrated. I’m not being coy to say there’s nothing we can do to speed up this process… unlike couples trying to conceive. It leaves me with a feeling of anxiousness, because my fate is in the hands of others. I have to remind myself that the ladies at our agency may be in charge of this process, but God is in charge of them, and while I may worry about their humanness, I never doubt him.

I can relate to the verse above because I feel pressed and perplexed. I’m not in despair, and I’m not crushed, but I do feel frustrated. I feel anxious. I feel at war with myself, because I feel like I shouldn’t feel frustrated or anxious. “You’ve only been waiting for 2 months…” the sneaky mean me says. But really, Travis and I started saving our money, pulling paperwork, and calling agencies to begin our homestudy 21 months ago. Twenty-one months of trying to get a baby, step by awful step. I can’t ignore the fact that if we were able to healthfully have babies biologically, we probably would have started trying to conceive at that point. And then my mind jumps to the fact that we would probably already have a baby by now. I’d already be done with the inevitable HG torture, and we’d have a new precious little one in our family.

I still feel like it’s worth it… Because I’m convinced that HG is not worth it for me. Not when I have the burden of babies on my heart who need a loving and stable home. Not when it’s been brought to my attention that some babies are undesirable because of their skin tone or ethnicity. I can’t ignore that, and it really does make my heart ache. So we continue on with this process, despite the fact that it’s certainly driving me NUTS.

I figure that God’s calendar is marked with the day a baby will become ours. We’re creeping closer to that surprise date, even though we don’t know when it is, I have faith in my heart that this day exists. Our baby day could be sitting on a breezy day in November, or a cold evening in January. I still feel like it’ll be soon. I made a friend on our adoption forum who has been waiting with me for her second baby. Her family also started their homestudy in April. She also has a beautiful little boy who is not too much younger than Little Bug. She has also been praying and hoping for a little girl. And last week she got HER call. An expectant woman picked her family’s book, and the social worker called excitedly to give her the news. I’m thrilled for her, but there was a moment of feeling bummed {selfishly} because my waiting buddy is now “pregnant” and I’m still trying. I know our day will happen soon.

Two months really isn’t long, but when you’re in the thick of it and it seems absolutely every person you know -both family, friends, and co-workers- are expecting, it’s hard. It’s kind of emotionally draining, because just as soon as I feel jealous or sad for myself, there’s that nasty voice in my head that says, “But you already have a baby…you don’t have any right to be jealous.” But I think the jealousy is okay. It’s natural. Yes, some of them are having their first and I’m anxiously awaiting our second, but wanting another baby doesn’t diminish my love or gratefulness for Little. It simply means there’s an ache in our hearts that tells us our family isn’t done yet. We aren’t whole. There’s someone missing, and we’re trying to find her. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

I’m happy for those around us, but lately I have a very hard time taking in the baby announcements, showers, ultrasound pictures, and adorable nursery decor. It seems like every time I log onto Facebook, another friend from college or high school is expecting. And my mailbox spills excited announcements and invitations. It’s just this season of life we’re in. It’s hard knowing at only 25 that children in my future are limited and will not come to us easily. It’s also hard not to think about that when sharing in the joy of family and friends who are enjoying perfect, healthy pregnancies. Sometimes its easier for me to just not talk about it. I mourn the pregnancy I never had, and constantly compare myself to them. And I mourn the baby girl my heart wants so badly who is out there somewhere…It just feels so difficult. I hate being so overly sensitive like this.

I guess this month has been full of baby sensitivity, anxiousness, frustration, and “you shouldn’t feel those things” guilt. Kind of complicated. Maybe something will happen around the holidays! That would be a wonderful Christmas surprise! We’ll see… I keep thinking something might happen then, but who knows…

Kat

 

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One Month Waiting Check In

I thought since I’m going through this entire process start to finish with all of you, I would touch base with my readers once a month as we continue through the wait process to let everyone see the emotions I’m experiencing along the way. For many adoptive parents, the wait is the most dreaded part of the journey because we have nothing but negative warnings thrown at us about the wait. You already heard my mini rant about being labeled as desperate very early in the process in my post titled Are All Adoptive Parents Desperate?  The post talks about the warnings of that desperateness that everyone inevitably says will set in. I’m trying to avoid that feeling as much as I can. Continue reading

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