Things with our adoption have been pretty discouraging lately. I won’t go into everything on here, but it’s been very frustrating and we seem to be moving backwards instead of forward. I am exhausted from this wait, and I know Travis is growing weary as well. I realize the wait is part of the adoption process, but we’ve had some other bumps along the way recently that have added to this already anxious time.
Right now Travis has no problem at all remaining faithful through all of this, but to be very honest, I’m struggling. I do believe that God has our baby out there somewhere, but sometimes I question the path we’re on. I worry that we’re looking in the wrong place. I wonder if we should send our profile out to other agencies as well instead of relying exclusively on just one agency. But we prayerfully chose the agency we’re with, and even though things are feeling very discouraged lately, Travis remains completely faithful in that peace we felt when we first selected this agency. Since right now I seem to be lacking any kind of faith, wisdom, or discernment, I’m relying heavily on his feelings from the Lord.
I’m really struggling right now because I feel like nothing is ever going to happen with the agency we’re signed with. I keep thinking maybe we should put our eggs in other baskets. But Travis is still peacefully reassured that we’re right where we should be- even if it doesn’t feel great right now. He agrees that this sucks, but he also has a peace that brings me comfort. He has been so reassuring and encouraging for the past few weeks. Things don’t look great, but Travis still remains confident that this is where God wants us. Since I’m not so sure anymore, I’m relying on what he says. He was adamant about his feeling that we were supposed to move to our little town a year and a half ago, and I was certain it was a mistake. However, I trusted my husband’s discernment and here we are, and I absolutely love it. It feels just like home and I couldn’t be happier. The Lord has truly blessed us here. So the guy kind of has a record of being right when it comes to his feelings from the Lord.
Since we are where we are regardless of how things seem to be going from our perspective, I decided this morning to sit down with my Bible and just search for verses all about remaining faithful and trusting in the Lord. I knew I needed the encouragement, and my hope was that I might find some verses to memorize and write on my heart that can give me hope when I don’t have much hope in anything else. I started in the Old Testament and didn’t get very far, because after a couple of really encouraging verses, I stumbled on a Psalm written by David that expresses the exact sentiments of my heart right now in words I could not find on my own. This is what I found:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
This psalm just immediately grabbed my attention. I was actually searching for a different verse and landed here, and the first line “How long, O Lord?” just wrapped me in instantly. I may not be experiencing the sorrow the psalmist feels in this prayer, but I certainly feel discouraged and frustrated. I instantly picked up on David’s frustration in these verses. He longs to hear from God, to hear anything. I feel so frustrated because I don’t even feel the peace that Travis feels that we should stick it out with our agency. I’m not even feeling anxious for another baby anymore, I’m questioning whether we’re in the right place right now and that’s distracting me from baby. I just want to know something. Will we wait much longer? Did God send us to our agency to bring us our baby through them? Has our child even been conceived yet? Are we on the right track? It’s so frustrating.
This psalm is the very prayer of my heart. When I found it, I just instantly felt peace that this is the scripture my heart was searching for. This is the prayer I haven’t been able to express for several weeks. This passage puts into words the frustration and struggle I’ve been going through. I wish God would illuminate my path so I can see that I’m going in the right direction. I wish he would bring me some kind of peace to let me know it’ll happen soon. But still, I trust in his unfailing love, and I will always sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.
I will continue to pray that the Lord would protect us from scams, liars, and other enemies out to get us in this journey. I pray that he watches over us in this process and will deliver us to a healthy, beautiful baby. I pray that he hears the desires of our hearts and has it in his will to fulfill them. For today, stumbling on this psalm brought me the peace I so desperately needed, and I had to share it with all of you. Thank you for those of you who continue to pray for us. I know the Lord is watching out for us and slowly -in his own time- guiding us to the right person and the right place at the right time.