Let me first say, we don’t know anything yet. Our sweet family and friends and church family are on pins and needles to hear from us about this situation, but we still don’t know yet. She didn’t pick up the profile books until Friday because she was staying with a friend all week. My social worker said she would call her over the weekend to see that she did get the books and to check if she’d started going through them yet. I have no idea if that call happened or not, or how it went.
As you can imagine, I’ve spent this past week in deep prayer, and I’m learning some valuable lessons as I pray. One thing I’m learning right now is about the amazing power of prayer, and the incredibly unselfish response of believers when asked to pray. I can’t even describe how humbled I am by the number of people – many of whom I don’t even know- who have contacted me to let me know that we are being included in their prayers. I’m so floored that someone who doesn’t even know us would remember us in their prayers, and it makes me feel so loved by our Lord. I’m learning that while I may not readily have wisdom or discernment in a situation {such as this one}, God is still reaching out to us through others letting us know that we are loved and cared for, and he hears our cries for help.
My heart is changing during this process, and I’m realizing more and more that I just want God to be glorified through this adoption. It’s incredibly hard to pray, “Lord Jesus, even if it isn’t us, please let your name be glorified through this girl’s decision…” but that’s what I’ve been praying for the past couple of days. At first it hurt me to pray it. I’m not going to lie. My own personal agenda didn’t like opening the door even one crack for the possibility of not getting my way. But would I ever really want to enter into a situation that was outside of God’s will for us or them? Of course not. So that changed my perspective and made that prayer a lot easier.
A couple of weeks ago, I raided my pastor’s personal library and picked up a copy of Radical by David Platt, and reading his book while I go through this wait has been remarkable. In his book, Platt talks about how radically different our modern day churches are from the original church in the book of Acts. While this main subject doesn’t exactly have anything to do with us waiting, there have been several morsels of truth throughout the book that really spoke to my heart in our situation. He makes the point that all blessings that come from the Lord are not ultimately for our own good, but ultimately for God’s glory, so he can be seen and exalted around the earth. So while he does love to bring us our heart’s desire, it’s all ultimately so that we may make the name of the Lord great in all the earth.
Same goes for those prayers that we perceive as unanswered. Even if this girl does not pick us, which I certainly hope is not the case, I can already say that our God is amazing and great. I know he loves us, because throughout this entire process, he has touched the hearts of people we’ve never even met to pray for us. He’s brought us to a place with our agency where the only thing in the world we have to hang our faith on is Him. And to me, that’s incredible in and of itself, even without a match. Of course I want these babies. I desperately want them. I dream about that call coming from our social worker and imagine all the fun ways I can run up to the school and tell Travis “She picked us!!!” but regardless, I know my God is with me during this, and eventually he will respond to the desires of our heart.
I fully believe that there are some desires God plants in your heart so that he can later fulfill them and bring glory to his name. I think the desire for children is one of those. I have no idea how it’ll be fulfilled, but when we finally get our match- whether it is this one or not- just think of the amazing testimony we will have. I’ve always felt that our adoption story wouldn’t just be one of “we signed up, we were matched, and we picked up our baby…” but would instead be an incredible testimony of the wonders God can work for those who love him.
From my small corner of the world, my itty bitty perspective on things, it looks like this could be that amazing testimony. In my previous post, I kind of explained just some of the little connections that made me wonder if this isn’t God’s amazing handiwork. I still don’t know, and of course we won’t know until her decision is made. If she picks us, we can look at all the incredible ways God worked to bring her to us and us to her, and all the ways he ensured we would be perfect for each other. If she doesn’t pick us, I won’t lie, I’m going to feel confused about all of those “coincidences.” That will be hard to work through. I know I’ll work through it, but I think it’s going to leave us and our family feeling confused. In every situation before, I had a little voice {the Holy Spirit} telling me this just wasn’t quite right. I don’t have that. I have no idea if I’m just so desperate and baby-crazed that I’m not listening for the Holy Spirit, but as much as I’ve prayed for the Lord to guide my path in this and speak to my heart if there are red flags, I would hope that even in my desperateness, the Lord could give me that message and I would receive it. I do want God to guard my heart, and if she isn’t going to pick us, I want the Lord to help me brace for that disappointment. Again, I don’t feel as though he’s preparing me for disappointment.
What I do feel is this: I feel like God is reminding me constantly that he loves us, he wants our good, and he wants his name to be glorified through this. And not just through a match, or through a placement. He wants his name to be glorified NOW. I struggled night before last with nightmares. I dreamed that the social worker called me and said, “Well, she looked at your profile, but she thinks you’re just SO mediocre. She’s not interested in amediocrefamily. She picked someone else.” It was cruel, heart breaking, and left me unable to sleep. I know it was just my fear talking, but thinking back on those nightmares for the rest of the day left me feeling discouraged. So yesterday afternoon, I did something I’ve never done before. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would step in, intercede on my behalf, and take the anxiety, nervousness, pain, and frustration of this wait so I don’t have to. God is not a magic button that we can push and instantly feel better, but I did sleep soundly last night. I think my heart was truly ready to hand the situation over to the Lord.
Again, a point in Platt’s book spoke to me yesterday: In Joshua 5-6, Joshua is faced with the battle of Jericho, the first battle in the new Promised Land. He knows he’s outnumbered and outwitted, and has no idea how he’s going to win this battle. All he knows is that God has promised him he will win. The Lord speaks to him with some pretty unusual instructions. Basically he’s supposed to march around the walls of Jericho with his troops a few times for several days, then sound a trumpet, then yell really loud, and the walls should just fall. It must have sounded absolutely insane to him! But he did it. And he was victorious in the battle. Why would God give him such specific instructions? Why such radically weird instructions? Because ultimately God wanted to put Joshua and his people in a position where when the battle was won, no one could possibly give credit to anyone BUT God.
Looking at our situation right now, when I see all of the connections and how detailed they are, how far-reaching and intricate the connections are between us and her, I can’t help but think this is the specificness of God at work so no one could possibly be given credit for bringing us together with our birthmother except for the Lord. But I just don’t know.
I know that God is being glorified by our situation regardless. We’re blessed immensely by the prayers and letters of encouragement daily. I’m so humbled that people would be so invested in our situation, and I know this is all a work of the Lord. For the past few weeks, the number one thing Travis and I have talked about is putting our faith exclusively in the Lord. We can’t put our faith in our profile book, or our social worker, or the agency. We have to put our faith exclusively in the Lord, and he’s really working on us to ensure that our faith is exclusively in him. I have nothing else to believe in. Our profile books are amazing, the best our agency has seen {we’re told}, but she didn’t pick us in December. Our social worker can only do so much, but then it falls on the woman choosing. She made a mistake the first time, and the family backed out. So here we are. The most important prayer I think we can pray is that the Holy Spirit guides her choice, and that it isn’t driven by greed or anything else.
Please keep praying. I feel so ridiculous asking people to keep praying, but I’m going to beg for prayers until a decision is made. I hope with all of my heart that she picks us. I desperately want to bring those baby girls home. But I know if she doesn’t pick us, the Lord will heal my heart somehow and there will be a good reason for it. …Or maybe that’s just my hope.
Please continue to pray that these girls are ours, if that its within God’s will. Pray for our peace and comfort during this very anxious time. I’ll let you all know the moment I know something. You have no idea how grateful I am for all of your prayers, encouragement, and support. It means the world to me, and you have really blessed us. Thank you.
Kat
Love Makes A Family {by mommyponders} 