Struck Down But Not Destroyed

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. -2 Corinthians 4:8-12

I do not understand the plans of God, but I know without a doubt that he loves us.

Baby Girl left Wednesday evening and the only thing my heart wants to do right now is write. My sweet boy reassured me that when Santa comes on Christmas Eve, he will give him the castle he’s been asking for and give Mama “hugs and kisses so you don’t be sad about her leaving.” It warmed my heart.

Let me just say before I begin that without the love of Jesus Christ, Wednesday could have been one of the worst days I’ve had in my life. My God moves mountains, mends hearts, and heals the broken. A beautiful, precious baby girl was placed in my home and I was certain that she was ours forever. I was caught off guard by a call five days ago saying she was not ours and would be leaving today. Even though I dreaded that day for fear of the emotional pain I would endure, I’m writing you all with peace in my heart and a joyful hope for my future. I would be remiss if I did not share with you the truth of where my joy comes from. My joy, even in the face of sadness, disappointment, anger or loss comes from Jesus Christ.

Last Friday when I got the call that they were going to be taking our sweet girl to a new home, my heart split. I screamed and yelled and cried. I yelled that I was DONE! Done with fostering, done with CPS, done with adoption. DONE. And yet last night I sent a text message to our social worker saying that our home is officially open for placements. Less than one week after getting the call that they were taking our sweet girl from us, I’m ready to dive back in. That’s nothing but God, folks. Because I was SO done.

Wednesday was both heartbreaking and incredibly encouraging. There’s nothing super happy about letting go of a child you love as your own into the arms of strangers whose standards, morals, and ethics are questionable at best. I’d love to believe she’s going to a better place for her, but I don’t really believe that’s true. At the very least though, I know Jesus went with her, and that’s more than enough to quiet my restless heart. God did some amazing things on Wednesday to show me the next step to take in all of this. I honestly didn’t know for sure if I would continue fostering or trying to foster to adopt. But I cried out to God to show me what to do, and I received a response from Him loud and clear.

Wednesday morning began with an email from one of our best friends. He’s currently out of the country and enduring a bit of personal drama himself, but when I wrote him begging for some wisdom and guidance, he took me seriously. He prayerfully considered our situation and the bruised state of my heart and then felt the Lord had given him a message for me: Be angry… Mourn, but we must keep going. All that to say I believe God has called you and Travis to be adoptive parents and that if are willing you must press on. Kat you are needed, you are changing lives right now… And who you are going to become will be even greater. Press on my dear friend.

I re-read his email several times, shocked by how encouraging and clear the message was. Don’t give up. As the day continued, I received dozens of text messages, calls, and emails from friends and family encouraging me to keep my head up and not give up on our goal to adopt a child out of foster care. I truly felt that God was giving me the message that our baby IS out there somewhere. By late afternoon, I was feeling terribly anxious about Baby Girl leaving. I was dreading meeting this social worker face to face who had been so cold to me over the phone when she announced our sweet girl would be leaving. I didn’t want her in my house and yet I had no other choice. I was giving Baby Girl a bottle and I lost it. I sat there rocking her in the living room while huge tears fell from my eyes. I wept, I held her close, I kissed her face over and over again. And then I got mad. I yelled out to God, “WHY ARE YOU BRINGING ME NO COMFORT IN THIS!?” I cried out to him for bringing me to this point and then offering me no peace, no comfort. Over and over I prayed for Jesus to be near me. After a few minutes of prayer, I’d reached the point of begging for that peace and comfort because even my body physically hurt from the ache in my heart.

Not five minutes after I finished my weeping prayer, there was a knock at the door. I feared immediately that the social worker had come early, but two ladies from church came in. My face was still wet from the salty tears and I was exhausted from my fifteen minute meltdown. “The Lord spoke to us and told us to come have communion with you and to pray over you. So we’re here to do that,” one of them said. She had crackers and grape juice and in about two seconds was heading to my kitchen to find cups for the juice. I numbly obeyed and followed her instructions. The four of us partook in the Lord’s Supper together and they prayed over us with a fierceness I’ve never seen before.

One of the ladies put one hand on me and one hand on Travis and prayed for emotional, spiritual and physical healing in us. As she prayed, I calmed down and opened myself up to the peace of the Lord. It really was going to be okay. She commanded any spirits of fear, worry, or doubt to leave and prayed that the Lord would bless our family and our home, as well as our sweet baby girl. Then she turned to me specifically. She laid both hands on me and prayed that the Lord would comfort me. She prayed peace in Jesus’ name over and over again. My muscles relaxed and my heart rate slowed down and I genuinely knew that God had heard my cries for comfort and help. He knew just what I needed that afternoon.

They both encouraged me before they left by saying that they were certain there were children out there for us. A forever child who would be ours always. They encouraged us to not stop in this ministry. The words of my friend’s email came back to me. As well as the encouragement we had received from loving friends and family all day. God doesn’t want us to give up. He doesn’t want us to stop fostering and he wants us to know that we WILL have the desires of our heart fulfilled.

When the social worker {who was no kinder or friendlier in real life than she was on the phone} came to get Baby Girl, I was sad but I felt a peace in my heart. I truly believe she’s going to be okay and we’re going to be okay. Yesterday was hard, but today is better.

In a moment of was must have been insanity, I texted our Buckner’s social worker to tell her we don’t want to take any time off. We want to open our home again immediately. I know, I sound nuts. But if God so badly wants me to stay in this that he’d send those two poor women to my house in a sand storm, then who am I to decide to close our home for the holidays? If he searches my heart and I’m not ready for another baby yet, then there won’t be one. I know that much is true. I’m leaving all of this in his hands, and I’m staying open to absolutely anything from now on. I’m so encouraged that God hears me. And I know he loves me. None of this happened to cause me pain or to pull me away from Him. I don’t know why we only had Baby Girl for a few weeks, but I’m so thankful we had her at all. She will always have a place in my heart. I now know without a doubt that God has me right where he wants me, and he has something absolutely amazing in store for us.

For anyone out there considering foster care but you’re afraid to dive in because of the emotional struggle involved, please don’t be afraid. I never thought I could emotionally survive what happened on Wednesday, but God sent people to my home to bring me comfort and encouragement. He surrounded me with love and joy. Foster care is an amazing adventure, and I would encourage anyone interested to look into it. Please ask me any questions you might have. I’d be happy to help.

God bless,

Kat