I Set My Eyes on What is Unseen

Over the weekend, I was exhausted. I was tired of praying, tired of waiting, tired of wondering, and tired of jumping at every little beep and ring from my phone. Every time I started to pray on Saturday, I’d stop and fall silent. I just wasn’t feeling it. I wasn’t feeling the urge to pray, and I was too tired to try. At first I felt guilty and worried that if I wasn’t praying, then perhaps that either meant God wasn’t going to fulfill the desires of our heart, or that I’d given up hope. I did not want to be in a hopeless place just because it was taking a little longer for an answer than I wanted. That’s a terrible representation of faith.

But I just couldn’t pray anymore. Not about the adoption anyway. Not about this situation. So instead I said a prayer and asked the Lord, the Holy Spirit, to intercede for me in prayer. The Lord knows the desires of my heart, and he knows the unspoken prayers when we can’t even find the words to express them. I confessed to the Lord that my heart is aching, and I am weary of praying. I’m weary from waiting, hoping, and constantly thinking about her choice and those babies. After praying about it, I felt at peace and decided it was okay to have one day where I wasn’t constantly on guard about this adoption situation.

The next day in church, it was revealed to me why I felt such peace after my prayer. When we sat down in our Sunday School class, a friend of ours asked if we’d heard anything. Immediately I wracked my brain trying to remember if I’d sent her a text message on Friday with the latest news. I could have sworn that I had, but obviously she was somehow left off of the list. I just shook my head no, but then another friend of ours overheard the exchange and asked what we were talking about. She had missed out on the latest news over the past couple of weeks, and Travis filled her in saying, “There’s a situation with twins…” She immediately got excited for us, which is really sweet, but I guess I just couldn’t handle the excitement. I was feeling so not excited anymore. I felt frustrated, worried, anxious, tense, and anything but joyful and excited. Of course her reaction didn’t bring on my emotional reaction… It was a culmination of the entire nearly two week wait. But I started crying. Right there in front of everyone in my Sunday School class. And the embarrassment of crying in front of everyone just made me cry more.

But that’s where things changed. My exhaustion and tension and anxiety just spilled out in front of everyone, and while I expected uncomfortable reactions at this overly emotional woman openly crying in Sunday School, what I got was something very different. The first friend who asked out our situation immediately stood up and asked if she could pray for us before we started our lesson. Of course our teacher said yes, and she ran over to me, put her hands on my shoulders and prayed and prayed and prayed…and prayed. As she prayed with all of her heart for our comfort, peace, for the salvation of this expectant mother, for a call from our agency soon, and for God to bless us with these babies, she grew emotional as well, and I wasn’t crying alone.

Her heart just poured out for us, and the entire time she prayed for us, I prayed for everyone in the room. I prayed for our family, friends, church family, and community. I prayed for my blog readers and Facebook friends. I prayed for college and high school friends of ours who have reached out to us during this adoption. I prayed for all the strangers who have graciously thought of us, prayed for us, and encouraged us during this wait. My heart immediately went from empty and tired to full and revived. When she finished her prayer, I looked around the room and everyone was smiling, offering understanding nods, and reassuring me that it would be okay. While I awkwardly met the gaze of the men in the room expecting them to react as men usually react when a woman {who isn’t their wife} bursts into tears in front of them, I instead felt nothing but deep compassion and empathy. I was completely surrounded by support and love.

We went on with our lesson, and our Sunday School teacher’s wife entered the room later. She missed the whole Kat crying like a baby and the prayer event. Immediately after the lesson was over and the class disbursed to go to the church service, she turned to me to ask if we’d heard any news over the weekend. I was much calmer and more composed this time, and I calmly explained to her that we probably wouldn’t hear anything until Monday or Tuesday. I also told her I was growing quite discouraged having  to wait this long for an answer. I confessed that pridefully I’d hoped the expectant mom would see our profile, hear about the connections to her biological son out of state, and choose us right off the bat. I was feeling humbled by my overly confident assumptions, and scared that our competition was so much stiffer than I’d imagined. Again, I was shocked by her reaction. I expected her to say, “Well, I’ll be keeping you guys in my prayers,” and then go on with her day. But instead I saw her face change. Her eyes were full of compassion and love. Despite the fact that I was much more composed this time, she still saw through my serene exterior and heard the pain in my heart. Keep in mind, she missed the entire event earlier, and there was no time between when she came into the room and when we were talking after class for someone to have told her what happened and how upset I was. In fact, by this time, we were the only people left in the room.

With her eyes reflecting a deep level of understanding, she simply stood up and said, “I’m going to pray for you guys right now.” With that, she grabbed my hand and Travis’s and poured her heart out -the very words I couldn’t speak earlier this weekend- to the Lord. Her prayer was very similar to the one said on our behalf earlier, and I simply marveled at the work of God through these wonderful people. When I cried out earlier this weekend and told the Lord that I simply could not pray anymore, he just smiled knowingly and made arrangements for prayers to still be spoken on our behalf. It truly was okay that we couldn’t find the words anymore. When we fail to be able to carry on anymore, he still carries us. Either through the love of others or through the healing of the Holy Spirit. In our case, both happened yesterday.

If ever I doubted whether my Father in heaven loves me, yesterday I was reminded that yes, he does. Very much. Our hands become the hands of the Lord when we hug someone who is in despair, or intercede on their behalf in prayer. Today my spirit feels renewed. Romans 12:12 says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” This is my verse today! I feel excited and joyful at the hope that she might pick us, patient in having to wait so long, and once again faithful in prayer.

I was able to take the emotional break I so badly needed over the weekend, and still others were there to pick up and carry my load for me. I’m also amazed and humbled by how much we are loved in our community and by our family and friends. Regardless of where we go in this town, someone always stops and asks us how we’re doing, how the adoption is going, and what we know about this particular situation. It amazes me when people we barely know tell us they’re praying for us, or say that they’ve been thinking about us. My first thought when I hear that is, “Why would you think about me?” But I know that God is trying to tell me over and over again that he loves us, and he has plans for us that are amazing and wonderful beyond our wildest imagination.

My Lord delights in me, and while I often do not understand why, that’s the biggest thing I’m learning in this wait. For whatever reason, despite my brokenness and limitations and lack of faith or hope, he delights in me. He is merciful to me. He is gracious to me. And through it all, God is being glorified over and over again. She may not pick us. I hope with all my heart that she does. But look at the wonders the Lord has already done even if she doesn’t! Look at the way his name has been exalted through us during this time.

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.” Habakkuk 3:17-19This verse has been on my heart all weekend, and a missionary guest speaker at church yesterday mentioned it in his personal testimony. As I’m waiting, even though I’m tired and frustrated and emotionally spent, still I will rejoice in the Lord. Kat